Art Misinterpretation

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At the National Art Gallery in  Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.  Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.  The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of the African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society, “In fact,” he pointed out “some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”

“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.

“Because I am the artist, who painted the picture,” he replied.  “In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all.  They’re just three Irish coal miners.  The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”

-Unknown writer

 

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Sister Mary

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Sister Mary entered the Monastery of Silence.

The Priest said:   “Sister, this is a silent monastery.  You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.”

Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her “Sister Mary you have been for 5 years.  You may speak two words.”

Sister Mary said “hard bed.”   “I’m sorry to hear that,” the Priest said.”We will get you a better bed.”

After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest.  “You may say another two words, Sister Mary.”  “Cold food” said Sister Mary, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary into this office.  “You may say two words today.”
“I quit” said Sister Mary. 
 “It’s probably best,” said the Priest..”You’ve done nothing but bitch since you got here.”
-Unknown writer

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not  have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where’s the money?”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido “where’s the money?”

Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”

The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him..” Guido signs back, “OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?” The lawyer replies, ” He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Unknown Writer

A Romantic Dinner

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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.  They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.  Still, the man stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:

“Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table.”

The man calmly looked up at her and said:

“No, she didn’t ………. she just walked in.”

When You Feel Stupid, Just Read These Juicy Quotes Of Intelligence

And you’ll feel much better….And, then read it again; you’ll begin to think you are a GENIUS…I promise!  Ok, here goes:

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(On September 17th, 1994 – Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

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Marey Carey – who once said, “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry.  I mean, I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

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Brooke Shields…during an interview to become a spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign…who said, “Smoking kills.  If you are killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

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Winston Bennett, University Of Kentucky Basketball Forward – who once said, “I have never had a knee surgery on any other part of my body.”

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2 Time Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington DC…who once said, “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”

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Philadelphia Phillies Manager Danny Ozark who once said, “Half of this game (baseball) is 90 percent mental.”

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Al Gore – former United States Vice President…who once said, “It isn’t pollution that is harming the environment.  It’s all the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.”

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Dan Quayle – “I love California.  I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

smarty8“We have got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” Lee Iacocca

smarty9Joe Theismann, NFL Quarterback & Sports Analyst: “The word “GENIUS” isn’t applicable in football.  A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

smarty10“We don’t discriminate.  We simply exclude certain types of people.” Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

smarty11“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” – Former Australian Politician Keppel Enderbery

Bonus Quotes Minus Pictures:

A Congressional Candidate in Texas…who once said, “That low-down scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a JACKASS, and I’m just the one to do it.”  No picture required after this statement – that would be too embarrassing for the relatives of this highly intelligent super-being 🙂

and….

Department Of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina…”Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received a notice that you passed away.  May God bless you!  You may re-apply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

Feeling smarter yet?  I know (without a doubt) that I feel a whole lot smarter after reading those quotes..pass this on to all your brilliant friends immediately..it’ll will definitely make feel much better today

 

If It Is Not Broken Then WordPress Will Definitely Fix It

This is a true story…So, I wake up this morning thinking I’m going post a quick blog on wordpress then go about my usual daily business..BUT low AND behold..after signing in, I notice that everything about wordpress in regards to posting a blog is NO longer what it used to be.  I mean, what is it with AMERICA…is there some invisible rule that our FOUNDING FATHERS never told us about…that whenever something is working perfectly fine..that’s the EXACT time to throw the MONKEY wrench into it…or even worse, when is something is COMPLETELY broken..all interests in solving the problem instantly vanishes into thin, hot, climate-changed air..

But what is one to do other than to say, “WHATEVER!”…one day the majority of us will realize that the ONLY reason why we are on THIS planet is to make the lives of the SELECTED few (the powers that be) easier by making our lives more complicated..I have already realized this and am just waiting for some others to join…

In the meantime, here’s some funny emails I received today..the first one being the pic I posted above or in wordpress’ new terminology “FEATURED IMAGE”…and the other one goes like this…

Japanese Sex….

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: “Sukitaki”

Wife replies: “Kowanini!”

Husband says: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo bakatuka!”

Wife, on her knees literally begging: “Mimi nakaundinda tinkoujuia!”

Husband replies angrily: “Na miaou kina tim koujia!”

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I cannot believe that you just sat and tried to read this – like you really understand Japanese!  You’ll read anything as long as it is about sex..You need help! 🙂

 

Emails That I Received Today

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Heeeeeey! That’s what match.com told me the last time I was on that crappy site..just kidding..

Here’s another funny (@least for me it was) email that I received today.

The Will

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.  His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.  So he says to them:

“Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair House.”

“Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East End.”

“Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.”

“Sarah, my dear beloved wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.”

The nurse is just blown away by all this…and as Doug slips away, she says,

“Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.”

Sarah replies, “Property?  The asshole had a paper route!”