First and foremost and just so you know, I couldn’t give a flying FUCK if milk goes to $8 dollars or $118 dollars a gallon because I became STEROID intolerant, I mean, LACTOSE intolerant when I turned 20 years old. Hmmmmm and I wonder why? And the answer is “SO VERY” simple and “OH SO” obvious. I can remember it like it just happened yesterday. From the day I was born on February 23rd, 1966 until 1986, I used to drink MILK like it was “GOING OUT OF STYLE” or “IT WAS LIKE WATER” meaning I used to drink a whole lot of milk and I never had a problem doing so. Then, one day, everything changed; and, I will never forget it to the day I die. I was in a packed weightlifting room at my college filled with muscle heads throwing dumb weights like they were pillows. I did my set of bench presses (it wasn’t much weight because I’m skinnier than a piece of paper) then got up to let the next muscle head do his next set; and then, completely out of nowhere, a sound bubbled and then rumbled in my stomach and then all hell broke loose. I ripped a FART so loud and so long (thankfully it wasn’t one of those stanky ones that people can taste in their mouth) that the ENTIRE weightlifting room (like 150 muscle heads) COMPLETELY stopped everything they were doing out sheer and utter AMAZEMENT – it was the closest experience to TIME STOPPING I have ever experienced in my entire life. At first it sounded like a machine gun unleashing untold amounts of bullets into the air and then it slowly transformed into a similar version of Beethoven’s Piano Concerto #5 in E-flat with different cadences, rhythms, paces and speed for literally (not FIGURATIVELY) like 3 minutes – at times, it would slow down in speed – and just when it sounded like it was ending then another explosion of force and loudness and, then yet, another concerto cadenza (almost like it had a life of its own and never wanted to die). And, let me repeat, the ENTIRE weightlifting room stopped everything they were doing to listen and stare at me and then I heard someone yell, “DUDE! You need to stop drinking MILK”
“But how can that be?” I wondered. I mean, I was in the weightlifting room every day for the past 3 months while drinking the same amount of milk daily; and now, suddenly out of nowhere, I have become lactose intolerant.” Suffice to say that I doubted the muscle head’s theory about milk until I went to the Bronx Zoo a few days later (I was so embarrassed I stopped lifting weights for a few days). I was with a couple of friends looking at the elephants when all of sudden and out of nowhere, I ripped another one like never before heard in human history. I swear to God, it was longer and louder than the one I ripped that stopped TIME in that weightlifting room a few days prior. And to my utter amazement, right in the middle of ripping this GIANT ONE, both of the elephants in the cage did a 180 degree turn and took a long, hard stare at me (almost as if they had fallen in love with me). I immediately left the BRONX ZOO in shame (from that day on I used to joke with my friends and ask them what the most dangerous snake in the world was and then say, “the north american BUN RATTLER” and then I’d a rip a nice loud one) and vowed I would never drink more than 4 drops of milk a day ever again (just for my daily coffee). Long story short, it was like overnight that something happened to THE MILK in this country and it was like I was on the FRONT LINES of some new experiment tested on WE THE PEOPLE – it’s called FUCKING steroids and how CORPORATE AMERICA (in co-hoots with our “HAVING EVERYTING IS STILL NOT ENOUGH FOR US” politicians) can make even more profits at a lower cost & at a faster rate than ever before seen in any history.
I mean, if the American people cannot see that the NRA & GUN MANUFACTURERS have sold their BLUE PRINT on how to BRIBE, I mean, STRONG-ARM, I mean, LOBBY Washington in how to get WHATEVER it wants WHENEVER it wants to every other industry in America for pennies on the dollar, then you have truly LOST your FREAKIN mind. So, let’s take a closer look at what BEST FRIENDS FOREVER republican and democrat politicians & CORPORATE AMERICA have been RECENTLY trying to slide underneath their CASH TABLE in their unrelenting attempts to direct EVEN MORE $$$$s from WE THE PEOPLE right into their own pockets.
#1 – Food Assistance For The Working Poor (SNAP) has been cut by the billions (this has already happened)
#2 – The 1.3 MILLION Long Term Unemployed (through no fault of their own) will have their unemployment benefits cut 3 days after CHRISTMAS (even if this doesn’t happen in the current BUDGET DEAL, it’s still a form of extortion in that it PUTS fear in the hearts of many who are desperate so that our politicians can squeeze more PERSONAL PORK their way)
#3 – American Travelers Will Have To Pay More In Fees, I mean, Taxes When Flying under the current BUDGET DEAL trying to be passed by BEST FRIENDS FOREVER republicans and democrats
As if this isn’t bad enough, NOW we have to worry about the MILK INDUSTRY shaking this country down with ONE HAND by threatening $8 dollars for every gallon of milk if they DO NOT get their way in the upcoming FARM BILL; and, with the other hand DOLING out all kinds of MONEY to bribe, I mean, strong-arm, I mean, LOBBY Washington in order to guarantee their BILLIONS in government subsidies.
So, I say we change the DIARY INDUSTRY’S slogan from “GOT MILK” into “GOT RICO (Racketeer Influenced Corrupted Organizations) CHARGES.” I beg of you America! Please wake up! Because if we don’t wake up RIGHT NOW, it will NOT be us that suffers a horrible death but our grandchildren WHO WILL (from a STEROID overdose in all of our foods). We need to stop this MADNESS right now before it becomes OUR WAY OF LIFE.