First things FUCKING first, don’t get your hopes up too high STANKS, I mean, giant fans because you beat the Minnesota Vi-Queens last night and now have a 1-6 record! Secondly and more importantly, I am not going to go into the litany of ENDLESS reasons why the 2013 New York Stanks, I mean, Giants truly suck my EXTRA hairy BALLS this season because it’s not good for my BLOOD PRESSURE according to my DOCTOR. But, what I will say faster than a NEW YORK minute is that this horrible, truly disgusting failure of a football season all falls on 2 people – the coach and the $120 million dollar quarterback supposedly ELITE manning who has already thrown 15 interceptions this season. And, just so you know, I’m not the type of dude that is going to stomp on a dude while he is down so I am not going to dwell on the past and the 6 games the STANKS, I mean, the giants have already lost simply because NOT even GOD can change the past.
But being that I am an old school, born and raised, “I don’t give a fuck what you fuckin’ think motherfucker”, Tammany Hall, “uptown baby, uptown baby!” tall, slim and dapper New Yorker, I AM going to cut to the chase and JUST say it as it is – this way we can move on from this already dead, wasted season and HOPEFULLY be PROUD new york giant fans once again in OUR near future. And unfortunately for the supposedly ELITE manning most of the blame is going to fall on your “$120 million dollar” shoulders so you should most definitely STOP rapping with your brother in STUPID, waste of time commercials and listen to my advice if you EVER want to make the PLAYOFFS again – that’s right! I just said THAT.
Here’s my New York Stanks, I mean, Giants To Do List…
#1. Fire Coach Tom Coughlin immediately! If his job is NOT on the line, he cannot coach PERIOD! I know, I know! “But he HAS won 2 superbowls for us and…blah, blah, blah and more blah blah blah bullshit” is what I always hear and I totally agree..sort of. But, if you doubt my words then just look at his record since joining the giants and you will see his 2 Super Bowl wins were the only reason why he hasn’t ALREADY been fired twice. It sucks that you just signed him to a long term contract for good money but he did win you 2 superbowls so it was money well spent albeit stupidly and after the fact – but whatever! That’s all I am going to say about Coach Coughlin – keep him and don’t make the playoffs for the duration of his new contract or FIRE HIM immediately which lets ELITE manning know “If you ain’t careful, your next motherfucker!” For real! This is New York City man! There ain’t no HALF-STEPPIN up in this city.
#2. Bench Elite manning IMMEDIATELY for a whole bunch of sensible reasons. The first and most important reason is because he’s playing worse than stank smells on a burning, hot SHIT. It’s kind of obvious that ELITE didn’t really work out or “WORK ON HIS GAME” too much in the last off-season. I mean, when you are doing all these stupid FUCKING commercials rapping with your brother rather than working on your game so you can BECOME the elite quarterback you claim to be, it becomes kind of obvious that you are NOT taking football too seriously anymore. But whatever! Another reason to bench ELITE is because he is the team leader and when you are making 120 million dollars, YOU shouldn’t be making all these stupid FUCKING commercials so you can make millions more on top of the 120 Million dollars you are already making on your contract – since when has fucking loser ELITE MANNING all of sudden become like Mitt “the false prophet” Romney now? Be a REAL LEADER eli because you are setting a HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE example for the rest of your team by acting like a SELFISH fucking loser scumbag presidential candidate who couldn’t even beat a supposed Muslim from Kenya. Stop being a truly greedy, selfish asshole who only cares about how much money he makes thus not allowing the STANKS, I mean, the giants to pick up other valuable players in the off season like other nfl teams do who are serious about winning and making the playoffs. Heed my words ELITE manning or you will NEVER, EVER make the playoffs again which means you will NEVER get a big contract ever AGAIN!
And lastly and most importantly, you need to BENCH elite manning immediately before he gets injured and then, “POOF! There goes $120 million DOLLARS!” There’s no point in doing this whatsoever. No matter how angry ELITE manning gets about being benched, all you have to say is, “You better kick back some of those millions we gave you from that fat contract you just signed…you know the one! The only $120 million dollar fucking contract we have EVER signed with ANYONE in our history. We need some of that money back so we can get more players so we can get back in the playoffs AGAIN you stupid fuck!” And if ELITE manning doesn’t take kindly to those words then you tell him, “this season is a bust and it’s all YOUR FAULT! You are not going to get injured throwing 30 or more interceptions because you can’t stop rapping with your brother in stupid FUCKING commercials in the OFF-SEASON when you should be working out and trying to become a better quarterback ! We are going for a HIGH draft pick and with that TOP 3 draft pick we are going to get a QUARTERBACK…maybe we throw some dollars under the table for JOHNNY football, I mean, the match fixer JOHNNY manziel.” Oh hells fucking no! The new york STANKS, I mean, giants better NEVER even think about getting Johnny Manziel because FAKE-FUCK homeboy is NEVER going to play in the NFL. My point is simple – get another QUARTERBACK so ELITE manning knows his days are numbered unless he plays like a real quarterback again! And if ELITE manning has a problem with my words then you can go tell him from me, “Go fucking jerk-OFF a-roid, I mean, alex Rodriguez you FUCKING white-boy team CANCER!”
This way ELITE manning knows the STANKS, I mean, the GIANTS are for real about their name and reputation AMONGST their loyal fans and will no longer be BULLIED around by a quarterback too selfish in his pursuit of making money instead of playing football any longer. Just so you know, ELITE manning, “this ain’t your CITY – it’s OURS! And if you ain’t careful, I’ll bust out the ENERGIZER D BATTERIES us new york city fans are most FAMOUS for! Yea, you know those batteries – the ones we love to pelt GREEDY BOGUS over-paid athletes with – you greedy fuck!”
Ok! Let me STOP! I just took my blood pressure and it’s SKYROCKETING and that ain’t cool!